Lost But Soon Found

Life demands only one thing of us: to be ourselves. Yet, the complex challenge the world often presents is simply that—being ourselves. And what a beautiful dilemma it is—one I’m learning to solve by choosing love.

Two weeks in, Carrie’s advice for my abroad experience has been spot on—she hit the nail on the head with every damn word. This journey has been a constant dance of feeling completely lost, then okay, only to be scared shitless about whether this will all work out for my highest good once again.

In preparing for this experience, I realized a lot of my growth came from external forces—not from intentionally seeking challenges.

So, am I really surprised that this feels uncomfortable and scary?

Why, then, do I still want to say yes to all of it?

In psychology class today, we learned about something called optimism bias—the tendency to assume the best outcome, like thinking we’ll ace a test we haven’t studied for. I hate when psychology questions the functionality of my delusions.

But here I am, experiencing exactly that. I was so excited about who I could become on the other side of this adventure that I forgot one crucial thing: the road to growth isn’t a straight line. It's a winding, bumpy backroad that constantly makes you ask, "Are we there yet ?"

And yeah, I know patience is a virtue, but let me tell you, it’s tough. It’s not that this experience is bad by any means—every time I reflect on it, I realize how much I’ve gained—but there’s this sensation that I’m not yet ready to experience the full depth of it all. I wanted a push and pull, and now I’m just figuring out how to exist in the uncertainty.

As much as I’m a huge advocate for presence and believe it changes everything, it was a lesson learned out of fear. Fear of life taking a turn for the worse. Now, I’m learning how to integrate presence to enhance my life—not just save it. I’m discovering how to embrace transformative experiences through loving my authentic self.

For context, I have a knack for making places work for me—finding the best bits, making them my own, meeting the right people, and staying busy with hobbies that keep me entertained. But coming to Barcelona, I had nothing. No safety nets. No Mr. Big waiting in Paris (though I'm hoping to meet an Aidan Shaw here). Just me. And that’s when it hit me: this is what life has always wanted for me—to leap into the unknown, without the cushion of being able to fall back.

Funny enough, I wasn’t even supposed to be here until Friday the 17th, but I ended up arriving on the Monday before. How? Well, I somehow convinced myself I had to be in Europe on the 13th (13 is my lucky number, after all). When I arrived at the airport, I realized my mistake and had to make up a story for customs.

In a moment of panic, I booked a “fake” trip to Morocco (which, trust me, I plan to make real soon). But here’s the twist: when the airport employee could’ve easily sent me back home, she helped me find a way into Spain. That moment felt significant—like the universe was giving me a nudge. And to top it off, my mom’s family friends, who had only met me a few times, took me in early with open arms. That kindness meant everything.

As I walked through the airport, I felt a sense of ease I had never known. Every interaction—from the TSA agent complimenting me to a stranger helping me with my suitcases—felt effortless. It was as if the world was wrapping me up in a big hug, letting me know that, even though I didn’t know I was ready, something bigger than me did.

For the first time, I am truly alone. As an extreme extrovert, I’ve thrived on being around people, fearing I might miss out on something—or worse, on myself—the way I come alive through company.

But, while I’m definitely feeling a bit lost—like genuinely so lost my Google Maps was broken all last week—I’m shaking off these blueprints I’ve long accepted as my way of life, as Carrie encouraged me to do. I’m stepping out of my past identity in the spirit of exploration, giving myself the freedom to experience the European way—an emphasis on livelihood, connection, abundance, and freedom.

So yes, of course, that comes with losing my way enough to stop asking, “Am I there yet?” All signs seem to point to stopping the search for the next street and, instead, staying right here until I can truly love the authentic me.

I’ve realized that by choosing love—love for others, for life, and for myself—I’ve unlocked a deeper connection to the world. Without the trials of love, health, or even having my kindness taken for granted, I wouldn’t have been able to connect with so many people on a soul-deep level. The more I approach discomfort through the lens of growth—how it can expand my understanding and connection with others—the more I step outside my limitations and awaken to being a force in the world.

The truth is, when I choose love, I feel part of something much greater—a vast, interconnected world. It’s as though I’m no longer just a traveler passing through; I’m an active participant in the pulse of life, tapped into something greater than myself.

So yeah, the dichotomy is real. Even as I feel lost, nervous, and eager for everything meant for me to manifest instantly, I simultaneously admire how being here has exceeded my expectations and is preparing me to receive its gifts. My timing has felt effortless, like I’m in perfect sync. I’m fully immersed in the European lifestyle—obsessed with how abundant time feels here (though I’m still adjusting to the fact that the night doesn’t end until 6 AM). Dance, my professors, my peers—everything is refreshing and full of life. By the way, I am already rehearsing two performances with David Campos–AHH!

To cement my new perspective, I stumbled upon a video today that used this analogy: Imagine at your birthday party, your friends hand you empty bag after empty bag. At first, you find it funny, but as it continues, you become confused, frustrated, angry, and hopeless—until they open the back door of the house and you see their entire backyard filled with presents, waiting for you to fill your many empty bags.

Therefore, when we feel lost, helpless, scared, or uncertain, we are simply creating space—emptiness—so we can discern and truly appreciate when we are finally filled with our gifts.

…

Growth at its best feels like accepting help from the creator of chess to move your pieces. While it’s still a challenge, who better to trust with the game than the mastermind behind it all? Sometimes, it’s humbling to realize we can’t do it all alone. And yet, in this complex game of life, love is always the smartest move, placing you many plays ahead.

See, if shit like this can still come through to me, I can’t be all that lost.

#RecoveringPerfectionist